A fragile life---

Everyone knows cognitively that life is fragile. A baby starts out so tiny and within 9 short months it grows to be a living breathing human being. I'm not sure why, there was always this thought in my mind that once a woman delivers her baby safely, everything would be fine.

I remember my pregnancy happened in stages. There was stage 1, which was when I took the pregnancy test. Then stage 2 was having to wait until the first Dr.'s appointment. Seeing my baby for the first time. Seeing that little heart fluttering away on the screen was one of the best moments of my life. Stage 3 was waiting A WHOLE month before going back to the Dr.'s again, this time in hopes of hearing that little heart beat. When we heard nothing, my heart sank. It felt like the world stopped spinning. But, thankfully, all we needed was another ultrasound to see that same heart, still fluttering away. It was at 16 weeks that I finally heard my child's heart beating. So fast, and rhythmic. The best sound I have ever heard. Stage 4 was the BIG ultrasound. Laying with my belly slightly protruding and my bladder about to burst. Looking at every tiny inch of my child inside me. Nervous, excited, apprehensive, and most importantly, happy. Trying to pry any information I could out of the ultrasound technician. Looking for signs of reassurance. Finally, a week later, our Dr. told us everything looked great. We were truly blessed.

Stage 5, was when I woke up at 22 weeks pregnant and realized I was bleeding. Yet again, the world stopped spinning, my heart stopped and slowly fell into the pit of my stomach. The ride to the hospital felt as though it took 2 hours, when it was only a 20 minute ride. Once there, I couldn't figure out why no one was in a panic. Then I realized, if there was something wrong, there was nothing that could be done anyway. Again, we were blessed and it appeared to be nothing but a shift in the placenta. A tiny tear, so fragile and yet so strong.

Stage 6 is feeling my child push my body to it's limits. Stretching my stomach with her tiny feet and tiny hands. Pushing on my ribs and bladder. Trying to make room for herself in her tiny motel room.

Stage 7 was feeling those first few contractions. My body ripping itself apart in order to bring a new life into the world. Pushing itself to it's limits and then pushing through that. Nature taking over.

Through all of these stages, my only concern was to bring a healthy baby into this world. That is what every mother wants though. A healthy baby. Even some one who might not be religious, turns to God in prayer. Praying for a healthy baby.

Why was it me that had a healthy baby? Why me, when there are so many other mothers out there that have prayed for the exact same thing? Does God only hear a few of those prayers?

I realize that I am lucky that my world has continued to spin. My daughters life has seen to that. I pray that I can bring her healthy siblings. But, I know that I was lucky and blessed to just have her. A baby's life might be fragile, but it is also powerful. The changes that a baby brings are amazing. A mothers love for her child is fierce and overwhelming. No matter how big a baby is, from the size of a poppy seed, until they are full grown adults, a mothers love is infinite. Always growing and evolving. Whether their baby is in their arms or in God's arms, a mother's love is never ending.

In Memory of Wyatt James Greeno

July 13, 2010-

January 24, 2011

and all of the 1 in 100 babies born with CHD

The Dreaded Doctors Appointment

How can it come as a surprise that in general most people hate going to the doctor? I don't think I have ever gone to the doctor and left thinking about how enjoyable that was. It starts off with the "reminder" phone call. Usually this is just an automated call that takes forever, but for whatever reason I always feel like I need to listen to the whole thing. After all, what if they are telling me that my doctor moved offices, or the appointment time I have written down is wrong. So, that call takes up an important 2 minutes of my life. Then, that call also says to get to the appointment 10 minutes early to fill out any necessary paperwork. Why do they tell you to come early when they already know you're going to have to wait AT LEAST 10 minutes to see the doctor? Once you're there and checked in (also a fun opportunity to be asked whether any of your information has changed, my response is "no" and then they go over my address, phone number, and insurance information anyway) you go and sit in a chair that you know some one with a cold or flu sat in last. But there's NO way I'm going to stand there while I wait 20 minutes. That would be ridiculous. Finally, the nurse calls your name and you get weighed. Not always pleasant, but most of the time it promises to be surprising (good or bad surprise?). Then taken into the room where the nurse asks what the problem/issue is. And right when you think you've waited long enough to see the doctor, the second round of waiting happens. Usually, a shorter period of time, it feels longer because now you're by yourself in a small room that is always a couple degrees too hot. Once the doctor finally makes his/her appearance you need to explain everything over again, making you wonder why the hell the nurse asked in the first place.

To make the whole experience even more enjoyable, throw in a baby. Ahhhh, yes, it's wonderful when your baby falls asleep in the car and then stays asleep while waiting. However, once you see those blue eyes pop open and start looking around in panic, all you can do is pray that you'll be able to calm her down enough that everyone will stop staring at you. Throw in a few shots (and I'm not talking Jack Daniels) and you've got yourself a fantastic time. By the time that hour of your life is over and you're making your way back out to your car, the exhaustion that you feel wraps itself around you and all you want to do is take a nap. But, your baby is so wound up from her fun experience that there won't be a nap for a long time. I'm blessed to have a baby who is for the most part healthy enough to not go to the doctors office all that often, thankfully.

"Bedtime"

I have noticed since having a baby that not only is my daughter's bedtime "early" but mine has become increasingly earlier. I strive to get Emsley to bed by 7:30-8p.m. however, that doesn't always happen. Usually she falls asleep by 9 p.m. at the latest. This has had an effect on my bedtime too. For example, tonight I found myself brushing my teeth, washing my face and putting my pj's on at an astonishing 6:45 p.m. Now, I'm not the trendiest of people, but what 27 year old gets ready for bed that early (not to mention it's Friday)? It must be all the effort it takes to continuously entertain a four month old baby. All of the blowing mouth farts onto her little tummy, "singing" made up Emsley songs, and constantly shaking a rattle in front of her.

There's also the unknown about evening nap time. It's essentially impossible for her to go from her afternoon nap (usually ends at 2 or 3) all the way to her bedtime. However, her evening nap can happen at anytime. It's as though her battery simply dies all of a sudden. One moment she is squealing with joy and excitement and the next she is passed out. That would be perfect if she happened to pass out in her pj's, already in her crib. However, usually when she falls asleep, it's in Aaron's arms or while we are eating dinner and she's playing on the floor. No matter what, she'll wake up so it's then left to me to determine how long she should nap. Who in their right mind would wake a baby? I'll tell you, a woman who wants to sleep through the night and not be up until 10 p.m. with a screaming/overly tired baby. If I let her skip her nap all together my whole evening would consist of a screaming baby and a T.V. that is turned all the way up so that my hubby can still hear Sports Center. Ahhhh....the joys of parenthood. Honestly, I couldn't picture my life any other way!

New Mommy

I've always wanted to be a writer. I can remember using my brothers first computer. I'd start to write a story and think it wasn't interesting enough and delete the whole thing. I was also afraid my brother would get ahold of the story and use it as some sort of tool to make fun of me. Now that I'm nearly 28 years old, I figure, who cares if I get ridiculed.

This is my story.

I am a mom of a four month old baby girl. She is the light of my life. Although being a mother is the hardest thing I have been through, it's also the most rewarding and fulfilling. I have been married for a little over a year, to a great man who I've spent the last 10 years with. He is extremely hard working and dedicated to what he does. His talent as a carpenter is so awe inspiring to me. I always tell him that I wish there was something I could do that was as great as what he does. The best part about him is that he's never afraid to tell me exactly what he thinks. That is something I appreciate. I also have two dogs who I am sure will make several appearances throughout the weeks.

I'm hoping that who ever reads this realizes it isn't a serious blog. I'm not here to inspire, motivate or use correct grammar. It's more of a release for my sarcasm and at times it may seem to be a little inappropriate. I'm just here to tell the truth about being a mom and woman. Not everything in life is roses and daisies, more likely, it's poopy diapers and spit up. But, that's life and it's wonderful!